Holding on isn't always about strength

Part of why I write is to let go of the story behind any of my limiting beliefs and the negative emotions attached to them. Expressing them through the act of writing is how I acknowledge and accept them as part of the whole.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go. — Hermann Hesse

What is the story behind one’s identity? How much of it is defined by trauma? How much of one’s physical appearance is due to subconscious behaviors expressing via extremes of non-conformist and conformist behavior? If you seek approval or validation from external sources, where do these desires come from? To answer these questions, we don’t have to go on vacation even though I did. We just have to go deep inside ourselves introspectively.

I visited Wisconsin Dells recently as an adult for the first time since my childhood trips. I wanted to experience it as an adult but also reconnect with my inner child even more than I have already. I often marvel at how children can live in the moment, let go, and forgive so effortlessly. Almost inevitably many choose to live life through the lens of fear instead of love whether it’s a conscious decision or not. The insidious nature of the change in mindset makes it very difficult to spot consciously in youth.

I entered Asgard Axe & Tap in the downtown Dells area where I proceeded to order both a large salty pretzel and a chicken kabob with many Portobello mushrooms. I personally love the deep umami or savory flavor of the Portobello mushroom. Between the pretzel and the mushroom alone, I probably got my fill of sodium and glutamate even without taking into account the other components of my food choices.

Some might say this is even a dangerous combination but my inner child wanted the big pretzel while my adult self wanted the kabob. What is glutamate? It’s most accurate to call it a neurotransmitter. While numerous glutamate receptors exist within the heart, consuming anything in unmoderated amounts is unhealthy.

MSG was once a food pariah and in my youth, there was much advice given to avoid it for a myriad of reasons. While the savory flavor of umami has been dubbed the fifth basic taste, it offers a similar experience to that of MSG. While the two are not the same thing, they have one thing in common which is glutamate. The chemical difference between these two is one of sodium.

The unhealthy part of MSG wasn’t the glutamate but the sodium. It was and still is the lack of moderation of one’s sodium intake that can increase high blood pressure rather than the sodium itself. Today the inability to let go of the negative programming, conditioning and reputation of the past may still give individuals pause in their choice to consume foods that contain glutamate. That by itself might be challenging enough but it’s not always that simple.

You can still find many sources both old and new telling you to avoid glutamate and conflating it with MSG. Tomatoes often contain high levels of glutamate. If you swear off eating the stuff, you'd have to put tomatoes on that list as well as pizza!

Being from the Chicagoland area, I didn't consume any pizza while in the Dells. I’m not giving up deep dish despite the heavy tomato layer that sits on top! That's just crazy talk. However, I did partake of some giant prawns at the Wisconsin restaurant Ishnala which were indeed savory and rich in umami flavor. My adult palate really appreciated them where my inner child probably would have preferred chicken nuggets.

The savory umami flavor may be both foreign and unknown to many. Xenophobia is strictly the fear of that which is foreign whether that be food, people, etc. This is often conflated with racism. However, racism is not really about fear but rather hate. Both are conditioned reactions but are different sensations.

The either/or mindset of the autopilot likes to reduce things down and simplify concepts into one. Without the important difference between these words though, any individual that dislikes the savory umami flavor might be judged to be both racist and having committed an anti-asian hate crime. Yes, this is as ridiculous as it sounds when you say it out loud. While I wish it was a mere hypothetical scenario, it actually has happened.

Until one slows down and takes the time to think about it though, such ridiculousness may not be evident. Thoughts and the language that make them up aren't inherently negative. However, the meanings given to them often are. One can choose to exercise conscious control over these thoughts and think critically about their real meanings. This only strengthens one’s critical thinking skills. Making the time especially if you don’t think you have it can be paramount.

The mistake I’d made in my twenties was trying to calm my mind down with thought and rationale. In my thirties, I discovered I wasn’t alone as both those younger and older than myself were still stuck like this. As a child, I was more curious but that was slowly conditioned out of me until rediscovering it again. Despite all the warnings to avoid curiosity like it’s as a bad as MSG, I made the decision to be curious.

I visited the House of Jerky as well on my most recent trip to the Dells. As an adult, I like to expand my palate and bought several exotic meats. I got wild boar and kangaroo. However, they were out of the rabbit and alligator I was looking for. As a child, I feared trying new foods.

I’ve since realized at least one reason why more thinking doesn’t calm the mind. It’s because it was designed to be reactive, perceive life through a lens of scarcity and put survival first. As parents sometimes do to their children and spouses may do to each other, they try to change those outside themselves to better fit their vision of how people should be. Having and holding onto such expectations can often have unintentional illusory consequences such unnecessary suffering, stress, worry, anxiety and more.

Thankfully, humans were also gifted with consciousness and a heart in addition to a reactive brain. The proactive heart can respond before the brain reacts. The power of the heart when teamed up with the vagus nerve and parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system can quell the mind, calm the body and rally the immune system.

However, when the reactive nature of the brain triggers the sympathetic branch, this blocks any chance of parasympathetic branch activation. Conscious coherence of the heart and mind is the natural state of state of both. The body follows the mind and even the heart follows the autopilot unless one's consciousness intervenes.

Tangible wounds are often visible to us, others or both. It’s usually not a mystery whether they’re still healing or already healed. Any given wound may even stop being painful, itchy, etc before fully healing. Especially if we take painkillers and try to distract ourselves from the pain. However, reminders of such injuries may come from a reflection in a mirror. These physical wounds heal so much more effortlessly than the intangible kind. Have you ever gotten curious and asked yourself why?

Suffering from intangible wounds comes from resistance, denial and the choice to continue holding on. The opposite of letting go is holding on. Letting go isn’t an act to be performed or something we have to do. It is instead a way of being and allowing the intangible pain to just float away like helium balloons in the air.

One can’t let go until one is aware how much one had already been resisting the truth, denying reality and holding on to the past. Whether one’s suffering comes from a limiting belief or intangible pain, consciously choosing to let go can often end it. You need not think and you don’t have to do anything to let go. Just be and allow it to happen.