Will those with real empathy please stand up?

Being an emotional sponge is never easy but isn’t something I’ve been able to grow out of. Living through the divorce of my parents as a young child, it used to feel like a curse. Being an unactualized, young male in the 1970s made it even worse in a world that often belittled such emotional expressions. Before even becoming conscious of it all, there were those who seemed to want to snuff out my light and it was very isolating. However, I prevailed in these trials of adversity and am stronger because of it.

Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of You’re not alone. — Brené Brown

Well-intentioned acts of empathy can go horribly wrong. Such empathetic reactivity is toxic reactivity. This reactivity gets stuck in superficiality. Empathy is about going deep beyond surface level concerns. Sensitivity is not synonymous with empathy. An unactualized individual may focus on the empath label as an identity and being a member in a group.

The actualized individual focuses on the experience, benefits and how one’s unique gifts can serve others. I don’t believe in concept of types that sorts people into groups. However, you’d already know that if you’ve read my post on introversion and extroversion here.

In my childhood, there was no internet where I could learn about the label or watch videos about it. I am somewhat grateful for that. That is why this post will be about my experiences rather than a piece that provides signs or pronounces you part of the empath collective.

If you’ve ever encountered thin-skinned, fragile, reactive individuals that identify as empaths then these may have been unactualized individuals. I wonder if using the label of empath to excuse one’s current immaturity level, lack of actualization or accountability is something I would have done if born two decades or more later with the internet in a more developed state. Empaths aren’t hypersensitive victims who lack personal boundaries and blame others for the stress that often results from their own reactive nature. The term empath has become somewhat synonymous with these characterizations though because it has become more common.

Euphemisms like super are used in the vain attempts to present one type of empath as superior to that of the others or make believe one has powers that others don’t. Let’s get at least one thing straight. There’s nothing super about having become an actualized individual whether you identify as an empath or not. I’ve been hypersensitive my whole life but as a self-actualized adult, I still don’t consider myself superior to those that haven’t yet or feel the need to identify in a way that inflates my ego through use of superlatives.

Many conflate empathic gifts with psychic abilities. Perhaps this is due to ignorance of the Human Energy Field (HEF) that science has been able to demonstrate all humans emit outside the physical body. Emotions are energy in motion, after all.

An individual’s awareness of this energy has a lot more to do with their knowledge, life experiences and physiology than psychic ability. This is my way of saying that despite what you may have heard or read elsewhere, not all people that are claiming to be empaths are psychic too. Natural intuition as I have also written about is often conflated with psychic ability as well. Everyone has intuition but it is more developed in some than others. This is often the result of conscious effort.

Is self-actualization hard? Yes, that’s why many shy away from it. Is it a one and done process that requires no maintenance going forward? No, it requires regular maintenance like many things in life. Are self-actualized individuals becoming more rare? Perhaps. Are an even smaller subset of these individuals actualized empathetic adults? Possibly.

I’m a crier, I’ve always been even if it was in the shower, alone in my car or in my other moments of solitude. I don’t apologize for it. Both increased emotional intelligence and resiliency have helped balance things out. The reactivity, lack of resilience and emotional immaturity of others in my presence though can still be triggering.

With my shields up, I can seem insensitive even though I can truly never be. Around certain individuals though enforcing such boundaries is often better than absorbing the mood of others. These along with internal ability of discernment is something everyone that takes on the emotions of others needs to develop to maintain composure. Otherwise, life can seem like a struggle that it doesn’t have to be. I considered it ridiculous to expect the world to change to accommodate me so I made myself accountable for my differences. However, that was a personal choice.

Living with my shields up all the time though is impractical, exhausting and no way to live. Especially during the pandemic, I realized I had at least two choices in any given present moment. To live a life through fear or love. Because I choose love, my shields are down much of the time. However, this means that there still have been emotional moments that have taken me by surprise.

After my own divorce and subsequent remarriage, I later attended my new Wife’s grandma’s funeral who I hadn’t known for very long time compared to others who were in attendance. The amount of time apparently didn’t matter. I felt so compelled to speak on her behalf though that I went up in front of everyone to say some words about her. Overwhelmed with emotion, I cried in front of everyone that day and the stunned expressions on people’s faces spoke volumes. During a later introspective emotional inventory, I realized what had happened. I had taken on the emotions of the surrounding family.

At my Mom’s 70 birthday, I took my Mom’s fear of COVID on before my conscious discernment kicked in. It was the first in-person family gathering in a while so the fear hadn’t entirely subsided. After getting curious, I realized it wasn’t my fear I was feeling which allowed me to regain composure.

At a Thanksgiving bocce game with my Dad’s side of the family, a very young niece of mine who I was adjacent to began crying for her mother. I began crying too almost instantly in response to her. I didn’t want the attention I received when many turned their heads towards the baby’s weeping. I was asked what was wrong but nothing actually was. That was an awkward experience.

On a more positive note, I often can feel a difference between what someone says and what they feel. When not congruent, this can indicate someone who is lying, being hypocritical or is just confused. Forgiveness is much easier when you can know in the moment that it is coming from the reactive mind rather than someone's true self.

I have noticed that I feel the energy in music and stillness between each note more than others. Country is often too sad, rap is often too angry. I enjoy classical music because of it's slower pace and increased moments of stillness. However, I also enjoy many kinds of EDM ( electronic dance music ) that are alive with energy.

I find that I connect with my cat and other animals on a deeper level than others. Her meows have meaning to me and her body language speaks without sound. Riding dolphins in Hawaii was a magical experience. Walking in nature, I enjoy the orchestra of the woodland creatures. As they are curious about me, I am curious about them. I am in no hurry and often stop to observe.

While I have a zeal to serve others, I can’t forget to serve myself as well. Working in information technology lets me do just that. I impact nearly everything and everyone that the information that flows through me touches. Emotion like the energy of a sound wave ripples outward to disseminate the information contained within.